For Allies — Dear Forrest

Foundations

What Does It Mean to Be an Ally?

Being an ally doesn’t mean you have all the answers. It means you choose love over fear, presence over silence, and your child, sibling, friend, or ward member over institutional comfort. It means you do the work to understand — even when it’s hard.

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Listen First

The most powerful thing you can do is listen without trying to fix, correct, or theologize. Let them tell you what their experience has been. Believe them.

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Educate Yourself

Don’t ask your gay loved one to be your teacher. Read the books, watch the videos, study the research. The resources below are a starting place.

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Show Up

Attend a support group. March in a parade. Sit in the pew next to them. Allyship is not a private belief — it’s a visible practice.

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Speak Up

When you hear harmful language in Sunday School, at the dinner table, or in the hallway, say something. Your voice carries weight in spaces where theirs may not.

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Hold Space for Faith

Many gay Latter-day Saints have a deep, complicated, and beautiful relationship with the gospel. Honor it. Don’t assume they want to leave — or that they should stay.

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Love Without Conditions

Not “I love you, but.” Not “I love you in spite of.” Just: “I love you. All of you. And I am so glad you told me.”

Practical Guidance

Conversation Starters

Not sure what to say? Here are some places to begin — with your gay loved one, with friends, at church, and at home. Choose the relationship that fits the moment.

One-to-One

With Someone Who Is Gay

When someone comes out to you

This is one of the most vulnerable moments of their life. Lead with love, not with questions.

“Thank you for trusting me with this. I love you. Nothing changes that.”

When you don’t know what to ask

You don’t have to have the perfect question. What matters is that they know you’re still here, and curious about them rather than worried about them.

“I want to understand your experience better. Tell me whatever you’d want me to know — I’m here to listen.”

When they’re carrying shame

They have likely spent years internalizing harmful messages about themselves. You can be one of the voices that finally counters the noise.

“There is nothing wrong with you. Who you are is not a problem to fix — it’s a person to love.”

When they’re wrestling with their faith

Many gay Latter-day Saints are working through painful tension between their faith and their identity. Don’t push them toward the Church — or away from it. Just stay close.

“Whatever your faith looks like — toward the Church, away from it, or somewhere in between — I’m walking it with you.”

In Your Social Circle

With Friends

When a friend makes a casual homophobic joke

You don’t have to lecture, but you can interrupt. Small moments of silence are how harmful things stay normal.

“That one didn’t land for me — some of the people I love most are gay.”

When a friend asks why you support LGBTQ people

You don’t need the perfect theological answer. Speak from love, and from what you’ve actually seen.

“Because I’m a Christian. And the Christ I know didn’t draw the line where we keep drawing it.”

When a friend says “I just don’t agree with that lifestyle”

This is a chance to gently complicate a stale framing — without combat. Ask what they actually picture.

“What lifestyle do you mean? The gay people in my life live pretty ordinary, faithful, loving lives — same as the rest of us.”

When a friend wants to support their own gay loved one

They’re asking because they trust you. Be generous with what you’ve learned.

“Start by listening more than you speak. Then read what gay Latter-day Saints have written themselves — they are the best teachers we have.”

In the Pew

At Church

When a Sunday School comment lands cruelly

You don’t need to start a debate. A quiet, faithful correction in front of the class is powerful precisely because it’s calm.

“I see it differently. I know gay members of our ward who are some of the most Christlike people I’ve met.”

When a leader uses outdated or harmful language

Leaders are human, and most are open to learning if approached privately, with respect and warmth.

“I know you mean well. Could we talk after? I’d love to share what I’ve learned from gay members about how that phrase lands.”

When a lesson reduces gay members to a “trial”

Reframe gently. Gay Saints are not problems to be endured — they are people to be known.

“The gay Saints I know don’t experience their orientation as a trial. They experience the way they’re talked about at church as the trial.”

When someone in your ward comes out

Presence matters more than perfect words. Reach out simply, quickly, and without conditions.

“I heard. I just want you to know — you have a friend in this ward. Always.”

At Home

With Family

When a family member is uncomfortable about a gay relative

Discomfort often hides fear. Meet it with calm and clarity — without making it a fight.

“I love them. And I love you. I’m not going to choose between you — but I’m also not going to be quiet when they’re talked about that way.”

When a child asks about a gay aunt, uncle, or cousin

Children take their cues from your tone, not your words. Speak naturally, warmly, and without lowering your voice.

“Aunt Sarah loves Maria the way Mom loves Dad. They’re a family — just like ours.”

When a relative says “I’ll pray they change”

This is often well-meaning but harmful. You can gently offer a different prayer — without contempt for theirs.

“I pray for them too — that they would feel God’s love exactly as they are. Because that’s the prayer that’s been answered in my life.”

Before your child or grandchild ever has to wonder

You may not yet know what they’re carrying. Make your love unambiguous in advance, while they are still listening.

“There is nothing — nothing — you could ever tell me about who you are that would make me love you less. I want you to hear that before you ever have to wonder.”

Standing With Those You Love