You Are Not Alone

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline — Call or text 988. Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Free, confidential support for anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. The lifeline serves all people, including LGBTQ individuals.

Crisis Text Line — Text HOME to 741741. Trained crisis counselors are available 24/7 via text message. This is an excellent option if you are not comfortable speaking on the phone or cannot make a call safely.

The Trevor Project — Call 1-866-488-7386, or text START to 678-678, or chat at TheTrevorProject.org. The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ young people under 25. If you are over 25, they will still help you and can connect you with appropriate resources.

Trans Lifeline — Call (877) 565-8860. Staffed by transgender individuals for trans and questioning callers. If you are navigating both gender identity and sexuality within the LDS context, this resource understands intersecting identities.

SAMHSA National Helpline — Call 1-800-662-4357. Free, confidential, 24/7 treatment referral and information service for individuals facing mental health and substance use disorders.

Affirmation: LGBTQ Mormons, Families & Friends — affirmation.org. Founded in 1977, Affirmation is the oldest and largest organization supporting LGBTQ Latter-day Saints and their families. They offer online support groups, annual conferences, local chapters, and a community of people who understand exactly what you are going through.

Encircle — encircletogether.org. Encircle provides LGBTQ resource homes in Utah, Arizona, and other locations where young people and families can access licensed therapy, support groups, and community events in a safe, welcoming environment. Some services are free or low-cost.

USGA (Understanding Same-Gender Attraction) — usga.org. A community of LGBTQ individuals, allies, and supporters connected to Brigham Young University and the broader Latter-day Saint community. USGA provides weekly meetings, a podcast, and peer support.

Mama Dragons — mamadragons.org. A community of LDS mothers of LGBTQ children who are committed to loving, supporting, and advocating for their children. If you are a parent reading this book on behalf of your son, Mama Dragons will understand your journey.

North Star International — northstarlds.org. North Star supports Latter-day Saints who experience same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria. They work within the framework of Church teachings. While this book’s perspective differs from North Star’s in important ways, some individuals find their resources helpful as part of a broader support network.

Therapy is not a luxury. It is a necessary tool for processing the complex trauma that many gay Latter-day Saint men carry. Finding the right therapist can make the difference between surviving and thriving. Here are some guidelines:

Look for a therapist who is LGBTQ-affirming. This means a therapist who does not view your orientation as a disorder, a symptom, or a problem to be solved. An affirming therapist will work with you to heal the wounds of shame and rejection without asking you to change who you are. The American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, and every major mental health organization in the world has affirmed that homosexuality is a normal variation of human sexuality and that attempts to change it are harmful.

Be wary of therapists who practice or recommend conversion therapy, reparative therapy, or any form of sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE). These practices have been condemned by every major professional organization and are illegal for minors in many states. They do not work, and they cause measurable psychological harm, including increased rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidality.

If possible, look for a therapist who understands the Latter-day Saint cultural context. The intersection of LGBTQ identity and LDS faith creates a unique set of psychological challenges that a therapist unfamiliar with the culture may not fully appreciate. Several of the organizations listed above can provide referrals to therapists who understand this intersection.

Psychology Today Therapist Finder — psychologytoday.com/us/therapists. You can filter by location, insurance, specialty, and issue. Search for therapists who specialize in LGBTQ issues and religious or spiritual issues.

GLMA: Health Professionals Advancing LGBTQ Equality — glma.org. GLMA maintains a provider directory of LGBTQ-friendly healthcare professionals, including therapists and psychiatrists.

Open Path Collective — openpathcollective.org. Offers affordable therapy sessions (ranging from \$30 to \$80) for individuals who lack insurance or whose insurance does not cover mental health services.

That We May Be One: A Gay Mormon’s Perspective on Faith and Family by Tom Christofferson. A personal memoir by an openly gay returned missionary and brother of an apostle, exploring how to maintain family bonds and faith while living authentically.

No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons Around Our Gay Loved Ones by Carol Lynn Pearson. A deeply compassionate collection of stories from LGBTQ Latter-day Saints and their families, with a call for greater love and understanding.

Saving Alex: When I Was Fifteen I Told My Mormon Parents I Was Gay, and That’s When My Nightmare Began by Alex Cooper. A powerful memoir about surviving conversion therapy and finding the courage to live authentically.

Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer. While not specifically about LGBTQ issues, this book provides important context about how institutional authority can cause harm when it overrides individual conscience.

Peculiar People: Mormons and Same-Sex Orientation edited by Ron Schow, Wayne Schow, and Marybeth Raynes. An academic and personal exploration of the intersection of LDS faith and same-sex orientation.

GayLDS (Reddit) — An online community of gay Latter-day Saints sharing experiences, asking questions, and supporting each other. Anonymous participation is welcome.

Gay Latter-day Saint Stories Podcast — A podcast featuring the personal stories of LGBTQ Latter-day Saints. Hearing others’ experiences can be profoundly healing and can help you feel less alone.

Mormon Mental Health Association — mormonmentalhealthassoc.org. An organization of mental health professionals who provide culturally sensitive care to members and former members of the LDS church.

If you are a parent, spouse, sibling, or friend of a gay Latter-day Saint man, your role in his healing is significant. Here are some suggestions:

Lead with love, not theology. Your son, brother, or friend has already heard every scriptural argument the institution offers. He does not need more doctrine. He needs to know that you love him—not despite who he is, but including who he is. Say it out loud. Say it often. Say it first.

Educate yourself. Read the resources listed above. Talk to other families who have navigated this journey. Join Mama Dragons or the Family Fellowship at Affirmation. The more you understand, the better equipped you will be to provide meaningful support.

Do not ask him to change. The most harmful thing you can say to a gay Latter-day Saint is some version of: Have you tried hard enough? Have you prayed hard enough? Have you considered that this might be a test? He has tried. He has prayed. He has considered. The answer is not more effort. The answer is more love.

Examine your own grief. If you are mourning the life you imagined for your loved one—the temple marriage, the grandchildren, the picture-perfect Mormon family—that grief is valid and deserves its own attention. Process it with a therapist or a support group, not with your loved one. He is carrying enough without also carrying your disappointment.

Stay. Even when it is hard. Even when you do not understand. Even when the ward whispers and the extended family asks questions. Stay in his life. Stay in his corner. Your presence is a form of grace, and grace is what heals.

The work of healing from religious shame is not something that happens once and is complete. It is an ongoing practice—a daily commitment to your own wholeness. The following practices are offered as suggestions, not prescriptions. Take what resonates. Leave what does not. And be patient with yourself, because healing is not linear.

Mindfulness and Meditation. Many gay Latter-day Saint men carry chronic anxiety that has become so familiar they no longer recognize it as anxiety—it just feels like being alive. Mindfulness meditation can help you notice the difference between the anxiety that the system installed and the peace that is your natural state. Even five minutes a day of quiet breathing and present-moment awareness can begin to rewire the patterns of hypervigilance that years of closeting created.

Physical Exercise. The connection between physical health and mental health is well established. Regular exercise—walking, running, swimming, yoga, weight training, anything that gets your body moving—releases endorphins, reduces cortisol, and provides a healthy outlet for the emotional energy that can otherwise turn inward as self-destruction. If exercise feels impossible right now, start with a walk around the block. Movement is movement.

Creative Expression. Many gay Latter-day Saint men have suppressed not only their sexuality but their creativity—the parts of themselves that did not conform to the cultural expectations of Latter-day Saint masculinity. Writing, painting, music, theater, gardening, cooking, woodworking—any form of creative expression can be a pathway to reconnecting with parts of yourself that shame forced underground. You do not have to be good at it. You just have to do it.

Scripture Study Reimagined. You do not have to abandon the scriptures. Many gay Latter-day Saints find profound healing in returning to the scriptures with new eyes—reading the Book of Mormon not as a handbook for behavioral compliance but as a story about mercy, about second chances, about a God who never gives up on His people. Read Alma 7. Read 2 Nephi 26. Read Moroni 7. Read them as though they were written for you, because they were.

Community Building. Isolation is the enemy of healing. The shame you carry thrives in solitude—it needs you to believe that you are the only one, that no one else understands, that you are uniquely broken. The antidote to that lie is community: other gay Latter-day Saints who have walked this road, who know the language, who understand the specific flavor of pain that comes from loving a church that struggles to love you back. Find them. They are out there. And they are waiting for you.

Spiritual Practice Outside Institutional Structures. Your relationship with God does not require institutional mediation. If attending church is healing for you, attend. If it is harmful, give yourself permission to step away—not from God, but from the building. You can worship in a forest. You can pray on a mountain. You can take the sacrament of bread and water in your own home with your own family, trusting that Christ is present wherever two or three are gathered in His name. Your faith does not need the institution’s permission to be real.

No one heals alone. The following framework can help you build a support network that meets your specific needs:

Your Inner Circle (two to five people). These are the people who know everything—your full story, your identity, your faith, your doubts. They have earned your trust through demonstrated love and consistency. They may include a partner, a best friend, a therapist, or a sibling. These are the people you call at two in the morning when the darkness is too heavy to carry alone.

Your Support Circle (five to fifteen people). These are friends, mentors, and community members who know you are gay and who support you, but who may not know every detail of your inner life. They provide companionship, shared experiences, and a sense of belonging. This circle might include members of an Affirmation chapter, a therapy group, or a circle of LGBTQ friends outside the Church.

Your Extended Community. This is the broader world of people who share your experience—the podcasts you listen to, the online communities you participate in, the books you read, the conferences you attend. You may never meet these people in person, but their existence reminds you that you are not alone, and their stories give you permission to write your own.

If your current support network is thin or nonexistent, building one is not optional—it is urgent. Start with one person. One conversation. One meeting. One phone call to Affirmation or one visit to an Encircle house. The first step is the hardest, and every step after that gets easier.

If anyone—a bishop, a therapist, a parent, a friend—suggests that you should undergo conversion therapy, reparative therapy, or any form of sexual orientation change efforts, please know the following:

Conversion therapy does not work. Decades of research have confirmed that sexual orientation cannot be changed through therapeutic intervention. The handful of studies that claim otherwise have been universally discredited for methodological failures.

Conversion therapy causes harm. Research consistently shows that individuals who undergo conversion therapy experience significantly higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, homelessness, and suicidality. The practice has been condemned by the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Counseling Association, the National Association of Social Workers, and the World Health Organization.

Conversion therapy is increasingly illegal. As of this writing, twenty-two states and the District of Columbia have banned conversion therapy for minors, and many municipalities have enacted additional protections. Several countries, including Canada, France, Germany, Brazil, and New Zealand, have enacted partial or complete bans on the practice.

If you have already undergone conversion therapy, the harm it caused is real and deserves professional treatment. A qualified, LGBTQ-affirming therapist can help you process the trauma and rebuild the parts of yourself that the experience damaged. You did not fail the therapy. The therapy failed you.

You have reached the end of this book, but you have not reached the end of your story. The work of becoming whole—of integrating your faith and your identity, of healing from shame, of building a life that is honest and joyful and full—is the work of a lifetime. It does not happen in fourteen chapters. It happens in ten thousand small moments of courage, each one building on the last.

You will have good days and hard days. You will have moments of crystalline certainty and moments of suffocating doubt. You will stand in a quiet place and feel the Spirit so strongly that every question dissolves, and you will sit in sacrament meeting and feel so invisible that you wonder why you came. Both of these experiences are real. Both are part of the journey. Neither one defines you.

The twelve steps you have worked through are not a ladder you climb once and then discard. They are a spiral staircase, and you will return to each step many times throughout your life, each time understanding it more deeply, each time applying it to new circumstances, each time discovering a layer you missed before. Honesty deepens. Hope strengthens. Trust expands. Truth clarifies. Confession heals. Change continues. Humility grows. Forgiveness extends. Restitution bears fruit. Accountability becomes natural. Revelation flows. Service multiplies. This is the work of a lifetime, and it is good work, and it is worth doing.

I want you to know something that no one may have told you before, or that you may not have been able to hear until now: you are exactly where you need to be. Not behind. Not failing. Not falling short of some divine standard that requires you to be someone other than who you are. You are on the path. Your path—the one God laid out for you, not the one the institution imagined for you. And every step you take in honesty and love is a step that brings you closer to the Savior who has been walking beside you all along.

There is a passage in 3 Nephi, after the destruction and the darkness, after the voice of Christ has spoken from the heavens, when He finally descends to the people at the temple in Bountiful. The first thing He does is not to teach. It is not to organize. It is not to correct their theology or update their handbook. The first thing He does is invite them to come forward, one by one, and feel the prints of the nails in His hands and in His feet. He does not ask them to prove their worthiness. He does not conduct an interview. He simply invites them to come. All of them. Every single one.

That invitation is for you. Not the institutional version of you. Not the performance. Not the edited, closeted, shame-reduced, safely heterosexual version of you that the system preferred. You. The real you. The gay, faithful, tender-hearted, discerning, courageous, imperfect, beautiful you that God sent to earth with a mission and a purpose and a capacity to love that has survived everything the world has thrown at it.

Come unto Him. Reach out your hand. Feel the wounds that He carried for you—not because you needed to be punished, but because He wanted you to know that He understands. Every ounce of your suffering. Every night of your loneliness. Every prayer that felt like it hit the ceiling. He was there. He is here. He will always be here.

What defines you is this: you are a child of God. You are gay. You are a believer. You are whole. These truths do not compete. They coexist, as naturally as breath and heartbeat, as inseparably as light and warmth. The Christ who made you knew exactly what He was doing. The Father who sent you here knew exactly who you would become. And the Spirit that has whispered to you in your darkest hours—telling you that you are loved, that you are enough, that you belong—that Spirit was telling the truth.

You are His. You have always been His. And He is so glad you are home.